It Never Happened
by AK-47
Summary: A reprise of the Crystal Catacombs scene under Ba Sing Se but with a slight twist. For mature readers of taste and distinction. I think it's relatively tame, I told filthier jokes when younger than the characters involved.


**It Never Happened**

The Dai Li roughly threw Zuko into the underground cell and closed the rock after him. He looked around curiously at the crystal formations when he realized there was someone else in the cell with him. _It's that Waterbender girl, Katara_, he thought to himself. He watched her pace and rant in front of him. She was probably talking about tampons or ribbons or whatever it was girls talked about.

Man, he'd only been here for less than a minute and jail was already proving to be completely boring. He and Katara would probably be stuck here for a while, too. An idle thought passed through Zuko's head and he blurted it out without hesitation.

"Do you wanna fuck?"

"—and they took my mother and – huh?"

"I'm here, you're here, we have compatible genitals — presumably, I've never seen you naked— so let's fuck." Katara's eyes bulged out slightly as she stared at Zuko in horror.

"Stop looking at me like that! Look, it's not like I'm asking for anal or anything freaky. Standard missionary all the way or you can be on top I guess. What do you say?"

Katara continued to stare at him in open-mouthed shock. Zuko sighed as he realized nothing was probably going to happen. "Look, it's cool if you don't, I'll just jerk off in a corner. Do you mind if I look at you while I'm tugging it? And could you, like, moan or something?" Katara was now staring at his mouth as if she couldn't believe the words that were coming out of it.

Zuko sighed again and walked over to the nearest nook, stoop-shouldered in his resignation. He pushed aside the front part of his brown robe and untied the pants underneath. Looking over his shoulder, he glanced at Katara. She was still squatting in the middle of the cell staring at him agog. It was probably one of the least sexy poses she could ever be in and Zuko prepared himself for what would probably be one of the crappiest wanks of his life (but what the hell, it was boring being locked up).

The Firebender prince pushed his pants down a bit and grabbed himself with his left hand. He was right-handed but maybe using his left could make this experience just a tiny bit more interesting. Wow, the last time he'd been this soft when he was alone with a girl was when that girl had been his sister. _All right Zuko, party time._ He closed his eyes and slowly started stroking himself. At first he tried to imagine that his hand was actually Katara's mouth but the expression on her face had looked too much like that of a dead fish he'd seen lying on a slab in the marketplace. He didn't need to feel like he was getting blown by somebody's future dinner.

Zuko shuddered and tried to focus himself. _Imagine something else, some other girl – Jin!_ Newly energized, he imagined the end of his date with Jin. This time, though, Jin didn't shriek when he grabbed her boob at the deserted plaza. Instead, she giggled cutely and pushed her chest out for his inspection. _Oh, Lee, you're so forward_, she moaned softly. Zuko brought up his other hand and started kneading her breasts excitedly. Then Jin pulled away unexpectedly. _You gave me a nice surprise, Lee, but now it's time to give _you_ something nice._ She knelt down and started undoing his pants.

Lee, a.k.a. Zuko, started to pick up the pace of his activity. Dimly, he wondered what Katara was doing. Wait, what if the sight of a virile young man pleasuring himself had overwhelmed her and she'd started fingering herself? Zuko opened his eyes and carefully looked over his shoulder, not wanting to make any noise that would distract Katara from her hypothetical jill off. Zuko's caution was unwarranted since he discovered that Katara was actually looking over his shoulder at what he was doing with his hand. "Sweet shitballs!" he shouted. "What the fuck are you doing?" Zuko let his robe fall forward and cover himself again.

"I-I was curious," Katara said meekly while staring at her feet. She looked up defiantly at him and her face flushed in indignation. "Why are you shrieking at me, anyway? You're the one who suddenly decided to start masturbating in front of me."

"I didn't hear you sneaking up on me! Wait, you were . . . _curious_?" he asked.

"Maybe?" she said in a small voice.

Zuko stared at Katara in surprise. His heart started to pump faster and suddenly he was hard enough to demolish a boulder. His pupils dilated with lust. "Okay, you can watch."

* * *

"So you're saying I made the right decision when I gave up power for love?" asked Aang while Earthbending a passage through the rock.

"Too many people obsess over power," answered Iroh from behind the Avatar. "It's the simpler things that make life worth living."

"I'm glad you said that," said Aang. "I know I'm the Avatar, but sometimes I just want to be a regular guy and – oh wait, I think we're here." So saying, Aang separated the rock and looked into a small crystal chamber.

"Aang!" shouted Katara. "You, uh, came." She smiled at him like someone was amputating her foot.

Aang stepped forward with a goofy grin when he suddenly realized that Katara wasn't alone. And that she was naked. And she was on top of the other person. Who was also naked. Who turned out to be Zuko. The grin disappeared from Aang's face.

Katara hurriedly covered herself with Zuko's clothes while Aang stared in shock at the scene he'd burst in on. Behind him, Iroh backed away slowly and discreetly made his way to a side corridor he and Aang had passed on the way in. He'd give everyone a few minutes to sort things out then proceed with the rescue. Bad enough to get interrupted while on the job, after all.

"Katara," said Aang, his eyes welling with tears, "How could you? I thought that handjob meant something!" Aang turned around and ran blindly through the maze of tunnels that intersected Ba Sing Se's crystal caves.

"Aang wait! He didn't even come inside, that's practically not cheating!" Katara hurriedly tried to pull her pants on and chase after the young Avatar.

"Hang on, this is perfect," said Zuko, stopping Katara with a hand on her arm. "If he goes into the Avatar State he'll take out the Dai Li and Azula."

Katara and Zuko wordlessly looked into each other's faces. Then Zuko bent Katara over and started frantically pumping away at her.

"That's it, Zuko, shove your big fat cock into me!" screamed Katara, making sure her shout went down the same tunnel that Aang had run into.

"Yeah Katara, take it all you fucking bitch!"

From far away, a distant rumbling started to echo down the passageways.

* * *

Had anyone in Ba Sing Se been looking up that night, they would have seen a curious sight. Far above, a flying sky-bison was making its way through the air with a group of strange passengers. A young Water Tribe man was sitting on the bison's head and steering it while his friends sat in the saddle behind. All of them looked shell-shocked save for one who was lying unconscious.

Sokka blinked and shook himself back into awareness. He turned around and looked over his companions. Toph merely looked stunned, while his sister and Zuko looked embarrassed. Iroh looked like he was deep in thought, as if he was trying to figure out how he'd gotten into this situation. Sokka himself was still too shocked at what had happened earlier to react to the presence of the two Firebenders. The Earth King and his pet bear also looked shocked, but from the way they carefully laid on their sides they also looked freshly sodomized (which, coincidentally, they were). Aang was sleeping in the middle of the saddle looking like he'd been dragged behind a wagon all day. A small puddle of drool gathered under him. "Stupid king, all your fault," mumbled Aang. "Keep your damn city in line."

No one in Ba Sing Se would have seen this peculiar sight that night because they were all staring at the smoking ruin of what had been the Earth King's palace. There was nothing left but a massive crater where once had stood the palace of the Son of Heaven. Already there were stories of a glowing blue demon running through the palace and bursting in on the Earth King's throne room to ravish him for hours while the Grand Secretariat and the palace servants looked on in horror. Several woodcut paintings were already being drawn up to be printed off by the hundreds on the next day. It was purely for informational purposes of course, since this was an important historical event.

"My ass hurts," whimpered the Earth King.

* * *

AN: Let's see what the Ember Island Players make of _that_. Yes, Zuko's first impulse when jailed is to start masturbating, and yes, instead of lighting the lanterns for Jin, Zuko took the opportunity to grope her instead. I might expand this into a full-blown AU starting from the beginning of the series but we'll see if my interest holds up. I might just end up going through pivotal scenes and replacing canonical Zuko with horndog Zuko. Anyway, I'm glad I got this fic out of my system.


End file.
